Reflections on life after nearly being decapitated.
A couple days ago, I almost died.
I was driving five hours across the state on my way back to the place I lived while attending college. It was a drive I had become used to; I’d already traveled its course several times a year for the past six years. The road winds through Snoqualmie Pass, one of the most dangerous freeways in America with some of the highest fatalities. That was of course, the topic of conversation between my Dad, Grandma and I the morning before I left. Grandma playfully urged Dad to buy me a plane ticket, which I would have been eager to accept. It’s hard to say no to a plane. I had flown the route once before during the winter, when the Pass was shut down and was treated to a free craft beer on the plane; I couldn’t be happier. That said, it’s much cheaper to drive and I have always been a good driver. Never got in any wrecks and only had a few speeding tickets under my belt. So, I decided to drive.
It’s funny how things are. Really, it is. The morning before I left I came across and educational gif while browsing Reddit. It was titled, “Trucks with and without under-guards.”
I didn’t think much of it at the time, but after I almost crashed into the a truck, it was all I could think about. Even funnier was the fact that I had been listening to podcasts the whole way. I had made a playlist of educational podcasts and was listening to them at random while I drove. Right before I almost died, the podcast that was about to begin playing was titled, “Do you retain consciousness after being decapitated?”
It was almost as if it were a warning, because right before it began playing, I turn the corner and see a big dual truck. One of those trucks that hauls farmed goods. It had two large metal bins (one towed behind the other) and over a dozen wheels. It was formidable and it was slow.
Now, I had been driving for four hours at this point at a pretty constant rate of 65+mph and this truck was doing less than half that. So naturally, I decided to pass it. I looked ahead and saw a good opportunity and began accelerating to about 75mph. I got in the left hand lane and was about to pass when all of a sudden the truck puts on its blinker and turns directly in front of me.
Growing up, I spent a lot of my time playing video games. I did other things too of course. I liked to read and play outside, but I would be lying if I said I never wasted a good day inside with a controller in my hand. They say that people who play a lot of video games have more violent dreams, but that they’re less likely to experience that freezing tension that some people claim grips their will to run from an axe murderer or protect themselves in combat against zombies. Gamers, however, don’t really experience that. When I dream of a zombie apocalypse, I am strong, focused, and I survive. I am a protagonist in a game.
I guess that’s how it felt when I stared straight into the steel wall I was speeding towards. I didn’t think, but I didn’t freeze either. It felt like I was just playing a racing game.
The back end of the truck was still in the right hand lane, while the front end was in the left hand lane. I cautiously weened my breaks to a slam as fast as I could allow; I couldn’t afford to lose control. Once the back end of the truck began to turn into the other lane I saw a narrow escape on the side of the rode that I could squeeze through. I swung the car to the side of the road and clenched my jaw, worried that I’d spin out at 70mph and shoot off the road into the naked farmland beside me. I zipped cleanly past the metallic edge on the back of the truck and whipped my front end back into the lane and sped off into the distance with the whole scene fading behind me.
I don’t think the trucker even knew what had happened.
As the silhouette of the near death experience faded in my rear view mirror, I began to ask myself whether or not that really happened. I still question it. It all happened so fast. I guess that’s why I was able to save myself. It felt so much like a dream.
I pulled off the road. Twilight had painted the sky and it was the most beautiful sky I had ever seen. I called my Dad. He said what you might expect. Told me to be more careful. Insinuated that it was my fault. Maybe it was. He told me he loves me more than anything.
When I tell people about this experience, I can tell that they don’t really get how much it affected me. The only people who really understand are the ones who have gone through it themselves.
I got back into my car. Ready to face the terror of uncertainty once more. I wasn’t afraid to finish the drive.
I started the CD player. The Dear Hunter ACT IV: The Old Haunt. My favorite album.
These lyrics sang out and I shed one tear from each eye upon hearing the final moments of the song:
“You want to leave your home but you don’t want to lose control
And there’s far too many ways to die
You want to keep your soul above the ocean floor
But there’s far too many waves to try
Far too many ways to die
Never could we keep these things from happening
Never found a way to keep the love in me
Took to long to speak, and never stop to breathe
We read the risks, hand in hand
A ruined rest but now we wake up
We cut our teeth on foreign plans, then curse the air
but now we wake up”
It’s just funny how things go.
It didn’t give me an existential crisis. I have always felt that fear. I think about death a lot, but less often than I used to. I guess I just want the experience to mean something. You always think an experience like this will change you, but in the days following I’ve only been lazy and apathetic.
I guess I feel a bit numb.
But I’ve been thinking…
All I know is that I want to be happy. I want to be having a good day when I pass. I want to be listening to a song, not silence.
Seeing death right before you kind of wipes the slate clean. I can rebuild a life for myself. One that’s made up the way I’d like it to be. I can stack bricks each day for myself and build a castle to be proud of.
I guess the real thing I wonder at this point, is whether or not it’s worth it to put in such effort.
I guess all we can do is be honest with ourselves and answer the question: Who do I want to be while I’m alive?
So, I guess I’ll take a stab at it:
I want to be the kind of person who treats others with kindness and patience.
I’d like to feel accomplished by setting goals for myself and sticking to them everyday.
I want to be a high energy individual with the willpower to take care of myself through a healthy diet, exercise and proper sleep.
I want my mind to be clear and focused on what’s directly before me instead of worrying about the mistakes of my past or about how I will handle the future.
I want to give more of my time to others in order to make their lives easier and their days more pleasant.
I want to make my family proud by finishing school and becoming a music teacher.
I want to be a good friend.
I could go on…and maybe I will somewhere else.
The things I need to do in order to become this person are:
Meditate
Yoga
Practice Music
Be Kind
Sleep Well
Take Cold Showers
Eat Well
Exercise my Willpower
Waste Less of my Time
I want to be a stronger and more fulfilled individual while I’m still here. Destiny is all.
